Online Dating...Why Isn't It Working For Me?

Copyright (c) 2011 Dirk Sayers

So let's just say that at some point, online dating seemed like a good idea. You thought it was a valid (perhaps even best) approach to meeting Mr. Right. All your due diligence suggested where and how you live made online dating a fit for you, personally. Fast forward six months. You've met no one...or at least no one you want to meet again. You may be thinking online dating's reality hasn't lived up to the potential.

So what now? Do you just give up, joining the legions of disappointed who say online dating simply doesn't work? You would not be alone. Many choose to do that; some on the basis of a lot less than six months. I feel your pain, having been where you are. But rather than bail on potential, a little diagnostics may be all that is needed. Don't worry...this won't hurt a bit. Promise!

Let's start with the obvious. Your profile photos. You DID post one, right? At least one? If so, ask yourself, "would YOU date you?" Be honest, though you probably already know. Attractive women don't generally have a problem getting "a date." They may have problems getting second or third dates; which generally has nothing to do with their appearance. So if you're getting no hits at all, have a serious conversation with someone of the sex you're trying to attract to determine if your photo(s) is/are the problem. If so, figure out what you need to do to "fix" or at least improve...then do it and post photos that reflect that improvement.

So let's assume you've now had the "looks" conversation with someone whose opinion you trust and looks aren't your problem. That leaves self-representation. What does that mean? Glad you asked. It means other parts of your profile are the problem. There are factual things in the multiple choice part that could be the culprit, but most often it's the essay. To get to the bottom of this one, ask yourself the following three questions about your essay.

1. Does it represent me accurately/attractively?

2. Does it stand out (for favorable reasons)?

3. Can the reader tell from my essay whether they're a fit for me?

A "no" to one or more of the above gives you the point of departure you need. But before you get busy tweaking the wording of your essay, ask a more fundamental question. Do I know who I am? Do I know what I want? Or could my search strategy be summed up by: "I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I'll recognize it when I see it." Here's why the answer matters.

And by the way...if your answer was the latter, you're hardly alone. Most of us grew up with an intuitive, "seat of our pants" approach to connecting. It suited our free and easy temperament at that point in our lives. When we decide to step into online dating, however, most of us do so for one or both of the following reasons.

1. We're time-constrained. (A common problem in the 21st Century).

2. We're just not meeting people we want to meet in the "traditional" way.

Viewing the decision in this light makes it easier to understand why an u women's coats nstructured approach to online dating so often disappoints. The utilitarian motives leading us to "date" online in the first place makes us unusually results-oriented. That means if your profile does not answer the questions the reader wants answered or it holds no promise as the reader views it, they simply click "next."

Online daters tend to be stingy with their time, because most don't have much of it to waste. Understanding that places the profile elements we discussed earlier in their proper context. The photo(s) tell the reader if they will like looking at you; assuming the photos are accurate. The profile essay tells the reader if they might like being with you. Depending on age and objective, the profile must either indicate a strong match for a long term relationship or at least a fascinating departure into adventure. Anything else tends to get a pass.

If you've been taking this in...(you have, haven't you...?) you may have developed a renewed sense of the importance of a good profile essay...more importantly, WHY it's important. This knowledge puts you way ahead of your competition, because it also suggests what you need to do to graduate to a GREAT profile essay. It takes a high degree of self-knowledge and it doesn't hurt to have a great command of language. What generally won't work is something you dream up in fifteen minutes, while you're on the site. Writing a great profile is rarely easy, but it's essential for consistent success. Trust me on this. I've gone both ways and forethought generally wins!

Reading through this, you've probably noted a paradox, here. The online "dater" tend to be results-oriented and inclined to action...right now! But their best opportunity for long-term success is really to invest the time needed to get their profile right...the first time! It's counter-intuitive, but absolutely true. Can you do it over (and over) until you get it right? Sure! People do it all the time. But how much easier (not to mention how much less frustrating) would it be in the long run, if you took the time to get it right on the first pass?